Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"



Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."



Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"



Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."



Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?"



Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"



Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."



Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"



Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time."



Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."



Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."



Customer: "Whaddya mean?"



Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."



Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"



Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."



Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"



Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."



Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."



Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."



Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."



Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."



Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."



Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"



Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."



Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?"



Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday."



Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"



Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge...Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?



Customer: (Speechless)



Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"



Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"



[from mom's closet]



America, please vote for George W. Bush.




[0] This is Where You Bite the Sandwich

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