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This is the blog of Ian Rosales Casocot. Filipino writer. Sometime academic. Former backpacker. Twink bait. Hamster lover.

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Sunday, June 11, 2006

entry arrow7:45 PM | Epiphany

I don't get it. I don't get how and why some people perceive and take offense so readily. I've always believed that in this world, in this sad human reality, you really cannot please everybody and that your only salvation is to do the best you can with what you do, and hope that that is enough. But what if people you respect, especially someone you think will be the least to judge you, will point out something in what you do and paint everything in a surprising shade of malice, even a kind of evil?

You collapse.

Everything in you, the core of your being becomes small. Some would call this "demoralization." I call this death. Sometimes, I am tempted to mourn the part of me who wants to do something good, who genuinely wants to do something positive, but can no longer do so because of puzzling bureaucracy. Honestly, I tried to follow what ways were prescibed -- but I am at the ends of my hope's rope: I am now told, to my biggest surprise, that that path is "wrong" as well. I am puzzled. Most of all, I am hurt. I really don't want to go on anymore, and I want to wrench myself away from all these crusades and just do ... nothing. I once tried to cure this impasse before by becoming selfish, by not contributing anymore to "the common good." Instead I focused on me, on my writing, on my career, and cared less about what went on about me. Why did I ever decide to come out of that shell hoping that I can finally help? Was that the wrong move? Is doing absolutely nothing the ultimate salvation? Maybe it is. Or maybe there will be another world I can inhabit where things are a bit brighter, more positive. I don't know. I don't know. But let's see what happens in the next few days. I know that a crucial personal decision will soon be at hand, and I really don't want to be called an insensitive boat-rocker anymore.

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