Tuesday, September 12, 2023

10:07 PM | Be Gone, People-Pleasing Ian

When I went back to teaching, I made myself a promise to change one personality trait that has been my own demon since forever: because I am a people pleaser, I never divulge to anyone my own debilitating circumstances whenever they request me to do something. I just act okay, and I say yes! I may be under a rubble, but if somebody asks me to give a lecture [often unpaid], I'll say yes. I may be bleeding, but if somebody asks me to design something [often unpaid], I'll say yes. Once I slipped and broke my ankle so bad, but I still went hobbling to a lecture I was hosting, and nobody knew, and I only found out how badly fractured my ankle was when I forced myself to go to the ER after the lecture was over. Another time, I had a raging fever, but I was curating a photo exhibit, so I got up from bed Monday, finished preparing the exhibit and its materials by Wednesday, and readied the opening by Friday. Nobody knew I was sick. These are the good instances, because they were successful despite my frailties and accidents. But if I get overwhelmed, my ADHD [only recently diagnosed] refuses to ask for help, so I usually just ... disappear. I once laid out a literary journal that I worked my ass off on [and it was beautifully designed too!], only to find out that the materials the editors gave me were not edited. Then they presented me with a copyedited proof that was FILLED to the brim with red-inked edits and post-it notes. My heart sank. I did not complain, I did not ask for help; I ... disappeared. I was also laying out another journal, where I was technical editor, and I was given materials for a very difficult-to-edit issue where the editors were noting things on the margins like, "Complete this," or "More explanation, please" or "Format to APA" — to me, the layout artist, not the editor. In other words, I was being asked to render work that was not my work. [Although, to be honest, I could still do it.] I did not complain, I did not ask for help; I ... disappeared. But not anymore. I'm tired of that Ian who does not feel the need to express difficulty. Now, I WILL START complaining, I WILL START asking for help, and I WILL START telling people what inconveniences me at the moment, and I cannot condone too much people-pleasing anymore. Because I am actually very good at my work [writing, designing, conceptualizing, etc.], but please give me the best possible time and circumstances to work in. Thank God for therapy for these realizations.

Labels: life

[0] This is Where You Bite the Sandwich

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