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This is the blog of Ian Rosales Casocot. Filipino writer. Sometime academic. Former backpacker. Twink bait. Hamster lover.

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Sunday, January 17, 2010

entry arrow9:47 PM | Vicious Cycle

Here's my stupid love story. It exists and doesn't exist. He's there, he knows. He wrecks havoc on my sanity. He knows. And goddamn it, it is difficult as fuck to love somebody who wants you to stop loving him and yet gives you every reason to do so. He's the devil, and he knows it is difficult to take to heart somebody who wants you to learn to compartmentalize -- and yet he also knows how to take down your frail boundaries with just the right word and the right glance. He wants you to learn to harden your heart, and goads you endlessly with lessons on how you do it. And yet, he plays games with those very lessons. He has the cheat sheets memorized. You want to hate him, but you don't, and you can't. And when there are those fortunate days when you start to think you've moved on, he comes around, being cute around you, setting you on fire again. And when you stupidly start to warm up -- he starts to withdraw once more. This is not healthy. This is stupid.

I'm stupid for not learning anything.

Fuck.

He is my private hell, and my secret heaven. One of these days, one of us will have to prevail. Pray that it will be me.

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[2] This is Where You Bite the Sandwich




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