Thursday, May 06, 2010

4:32 PM | The Lovely Loneliness

I have never felt so alone in my entire life like today. The strangest thing is that I say that in an almost matter-of-fact way, not drowned in stultifying sadness the way it usually comes. Well, maybe just a tinge of melancholy, but nothing more. It comes to me as something frank and bold, as a voice from the back of my head that speaks dripping with the knowledge and the emotions that come with weathered time. It says, "You really are alone in life, you know. Other people are only joyful coincidences. When they're there for you, rejoice that it happens. But for the most part, don't stake your life on other people being there for you." Wherever that voice comes from, I thank it. Because it tells me once more I can't live with the demon that has plagued me all these years. Once, seven years ago, a friend named Gabriela read my cards and told me, "Your greatest enemy is complacency." She was right. She still is. The years hence have been a constant battle against that demon; I've won some skirmishes, lost others. But last night with Ginny [who was also there that night of the tarot] brought it all back to me once again. We went to remember the places we used to haunt all those nights seven years ago, Qyosko most especially. And the memory of the tarot came rushing back to me. I realize that I have let complacency take root in my life again: for the most part, I have depended again on the rare kindness of other people. I have also wasted too many hours on the pursuit of things that have only brought me both nothingness and pain. This morning, I wake up with these old emotions. It took me a while to get up from bed, and process whatever needed processing.

But I'm awake now.

And I will make this one life I've been given to live to make sure things will matter, even when I'm all alone.

Labels: life

[0] This is Where You Bite the Sandwich

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