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This is the blog of Ian Rosales Casocot. Filipino writer. Sometime academic. Former backpacker. Twink bait. Hamster lover.

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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

entry arrow1:13 AM | Things That Run Through My Head These Past Few Weeks

1. I keep remembering my best friend telling me, "One foot behind you, Ian. One foot behind you." After Q, she has seen the worst of me in heartbreak, and can't bear another prolonged episode of utter helplessness. But how do you tell the heart to be careful? It pays no tribute to logic, and sooner lurches onto its own heedless orbit, its own acquaintance with speed. When it falls, even the accidents are beautiful.

2. It comes to me, while listening to the neighbor's radio, that all love songs do mean something: they are everything poetic that, in our lives, somehow remains unsaid -- but which we still wish to say. In my light moments when I feel the music in my bones, I think they are the soundtracks for what makes human -- the stories of how we live and love, set to the quivering rhythms that keep pace with the beating of our hearts. (Still, I say this in a time when I'm flying through the clouds. Will I still feel the same thing when I begin to plummet back to earth?)

3. This is how I measure my days: by the strangest moments I find myself smiling without me even knowing. I may be walking to class, and there's that unmistakable tugging at my cheeks. "You're smiling like you have a secret," friends sometimes tell me. That often startles me: "I am?" I say, this time grinning like there's no tomorrow. And that is when I feel the gentle curve on my lips -- and how light my chest feels. That's how I know I am all right.

4. Still, I am not sure what this is. I refuse to confine it in a box by giving it labels. I will not call it love -- because I've since found out that love is never enough. And it is too soon for even that. It is just something that feels good, that makes my happy days ever happier. But I guess we all live for this mystery -- and it pays not to question it.

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