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This is the blog of Ian Rosales Casocot. Filipino writer. Sometime academic. Former backpacker. Twink bait. Hamster lover.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

entry arrow6:52 PM | Shut Up and Start Living

[... random thoughts after gym and dancing ...]

People have been asking me lately why is it that I look like I'm walking on air ("there's a load off your shoulder," they all say), but still I go about with this bright glimmer of determination in my eyes. Like there's something brewing in my head, and I can't wait to pounce on it. When I think about what possible answer to give, I can't help but feel for real that steely determination. Sometimes it even takes the form of me becoming too hard on myself. I push myself now like I've never pushed myself -- there's a righteous anger to the things I do these days, and while I have made myself so open to all the pleasures of life these days, I still go home each night knowing what I have done for the day is not enough. I keep telling myself, with a hard edge to my thoughts: Do this now, do this now, do this now... It is exhilarating, the way fresh air must be to a long-time captive of a dank prison. Once, last week, I looked up from writing my column for Visayan Daily Star in the comfortable hub of Cafe Noriter, and I saw this quote -- taken from the movie The Last I Saw Paris -- emblazoned on one wall of the cafe: "I want to enjoy things, have fun, live every day like it's the last day. Wouldn't that be nice, a lifetime full of last days?" And I feel that now, much more so when I was lost. I know I can't waste any more time: I've already given up the prime of my life for somebody not worth an iota of every sacrifice I've made. Sometimes I become angry when I think about what I had done to myself, in the name of waste. What the fuck was I thinking? So, yes: there is steely determination. Because once you've understood that life can easily be confined to a box, you really cannot wait to start living again. [Edited Feb. 8, 2009: Oh shut up, Ian. You know you're lying. He was worth it. - Ian]

[thanks to ... for the photo]


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